An (Almost) Effortful Autobiography

by Jan Joseff Genduso (I-Mars)

The earliest record of my childhood was as a baby (big surprise). Back then, my family lived in an ordinary house, next to an ordinary road, in ordinary Espartinez, in ordinary Daraga. I have no idea where it is now. Anyway, I already had three instant siblings (or ates and kuya) when I was born – Ate Brain (oldest), Kuya Ali (after Ate Brain), and Ate Ace (before me), with me as the youngest. Before I was born, however, they moved to Malabog, leaving good ol' Espartinez behind.

According to my Ate Ace, when I was a young’n, when I slept, I would always fall out of bed. They tried all methods to keep me in bed: bars, pillows, heat detectors, security cameras, nets and robot househelpers (ok…maybe not those last four ones, but you get the idea) but to no avail, I kept falling out of bed. I’m still not sure if this is true.

At around eight months after the start of my life, Mama, Papa and I flew to the majestic land that starts with a V – Venezuela! (Don’t laugh, I’ve won a trifle using Venezuela while playing PANTS.) My Papa had to work on flight stimulators at the Venezuela Air Force, and he couldn’t leave the whole family behind, so he brought them all! Well, kind of. My Ates and Kuya went, too. However, they only spent a few weeks there because they had to go back home because school was starting. What a sad parting…and “school” caused it. *Ehem*

In Venezuela, I took my first steps. Whenever we took a walk in the park, I would always chase the pigeons that gather, thinking that if I kissed one I would get a pot of gold. You know kids. But I mysteriously could never catch them. I wonder why. I never cared for pigeon anyway (people say they taste horrible when boiled) because back then my favorite food was – you’ll never guess it – TOMATOOOEEESSSS! I loved tomatoes back then. Well, not the whole thing, only the middle bit. I didn’t bother about the other parts. Also, back then, when the TV was on, sometimes I wouldn’t even care about it and I would run around in my jumper chasing air (it’s hard to catch, mind you). However, when a certain commercial came on, I would hear it and immediately come running right up to the TV acting as if my whole life depended on that commercial (I don’t remember what that commercial was about by the way). I would just stand there, mouth agape, looking like a stupid baby (well, I was) as the commercial played. Nothing could break me away from it, NOTHING. When the commercial was over, I would locate air, and start chasing it again. Also I would “help” my Mama do the laundry by throwing all the clothes out of the basin.

The seventh paragraph is always the best place to put the story of my birth. My birth was just like any other, except that I loved Mama so much that I wouldn’t leave her womb! The doctors had to pull me out by cutting a hole in Mama. Shortly after I was born, I went, with my parents, to the U.S. embassy to become an American (or at least prove that I am one). Also, when I was a baby, the doctor was interested in my nose. Hellooo, my Mama is Filipina and my Papa is American/Italian, who WOULDN’T be interested?

Everyone said I was a good baby, well-behaved but with a mind of my own. No one ever spoke to me in Filipino or Bicolano, only English. So…I had to learn Filipino the hard way. I’m still thinking about Bicolano. When I was a baby, the doctor was worried about me because I wasn’t gaining any weight. Well, now the problem is solved.

Alright! When I was half of eight, my Mama and I went to Miami, Florida. We were going to join Papa in Miami for he was working on flight stimulators there. Our plane to San Francisco arrived late so we missed the plane going Miami, so we had to stay the night in a hotel. That night, my Mama was soooo hungry, but she was afraid to go down. So she just sat there, staring at the coffee machine, “How do I get this darn thing working?” repeating in her mind like those news strips you see at the bottom of news programs. Eventually, I noticed her, and with some help, I showed her how to get the coffee from the coffee machine. We arrived in Miami the next day.

In Miami, we went to Disneyworld, Sea World, rode flight stimulators, and for the first time met my Ate Gina. We also had a convertible car in Miami, and I would be very entertained to see the top go up and down. On the day we arrived, while we were driving to the hotel, I saw a strange and new, but familiar restaurant. I’ll give you a hint, it’s red and yellow, and has a big M for a logo. That’s right, McDonalds! It was the first one I ever saw, well, outside of TV. When I saw it, I immediately said I was hungry and that we eat there. We went to the drive-through, and I saw no one but the speaker. Back then, I was amazed at technology because we could order just through the speaker! I was awestruck. The most “awestrucking” experience I had at the age of four.

At the age of five or six, I attended my first educational experience in kindergarten, in Golden Harvest Christian Academy/School. I graduated with first honors. Oh, did I mention I had only three classmates? After that, I was able to enter a school called BUCELS (BUCE-ILS now), and attended Preparatory school there. My favorite subject was play time.

Up until the fourth grade, I was what you would call a “problem”. I would always lie on the floor during class and be too lazy to copy my notes. In third grade, we were playing “The Longest Line”, and not wanting the other team to win, I stripped down completely naked and hid under a table until the game was over. Also, by third grade, I made a new friend named Mark.

On my fourth grade vacation, I went with my Mama to Seattle. My Papa was already there, working on flight simulators. In Seattle, we did a lot of things: went up Mount Rainier, played in the snow, went inside a presidential plane, went inside a Concorde airplane, played minigolf, went to various Goodwill and used bookstores, went to the Boeing museum, went to the science museum, played at the batting cages, went to the Space Needle, took a cruise. I loved going to the mall and rode my first cable car. There, I also read my first Captain Underpant s book.

By fifth grade, I got my glasses. I knew I was near-sighted. Why? Because I always had to stand near the blackboard when I had to copy something…And…a student teacher asked me if I was near-sighted or not. This grade was the end of my “Being Escort” streak.

Sixth grade wasn’t very interesting (yawn). Except maybe the graduation, which was…interesting. And also, I had my first experience camping out with the Boy Scouts at school. Also, typhoon Milenyo totally ruined my birthday!

Okay, right now I am 12 years old, in High School. And as far as I can tell, nothing exciting has happened to me yet. Oh, well, that’s my life. And thanks a lot for reading this.